Driving Sports

I thought I would try to write something a little more upbeat this time around, but to be honest I just can’t find a whole lot to be happy about. For starters it’s winter and the heater core on my 1993 Impreza Wagon, “Project Dreadnought” has sprung a leak and is now spraying coolant all over the carpet, and the ECU. To remedy this situation I must remove the dash to get to said heater core. Not a fun job even if I had really good drugs or a bevy of busty beauties, scantily clad, wrenches at the ready to give me a hand.

And I guess that brings me to my next point. Old cars suck. Don’t get me wrong, I love them, but they are a bit of a headache. With worn out bits, shoddy repairs from spurious mechanics and usually multiple decade’s worth of grime worked into every surface, dealing with an old car is a big pain in the ass.

Even though my car was made just before the end of the last century, I still count it as an old car. Built in 1993 it is over 15 years old, and it looks every bit the part. So with a dead heater and the coldest weekend in recorded history being forecast, I forged ahead with my repair.

The cool part is that, while I do not have a troupe of naked women ready to lay their assets on my hood in the interest of cheery automotive repair, I do have a real mechanic at my disposal. The only compensation he asks is that we go to the strip club and I buy him alcohol and lap dances. Mechanics really are a simple breed of animal, but they do get the job done.

So, Dustin ripped into my car and things started piling up on the ground. All the interior, the steering column came unbolted, the dash came out and we started tearing into the heater system. If you have never seen the innards of your interior, it is basically a huge jumble of interlocking plastic boxes bolted to the firewall. These contain the AC, heating and fan systems that make up your HVAC.

Of course, since this is an old car that not only has about 15 years worth of nasty ground into the carpet, which you have to lay on. And since the heater core has ruptured there is coolant soaking into the carpet as well. Good stuff all the way around.

With the dash out, the heater box replaced with a known good unit and everything bolted back in place, I then took the time to install some new gauges, tidy up some wiring and try to make the car look a bit better.

On fire-up the car purred, ok choked and scraped, to life and all was well. With more coolant added I began the burping process only to have the car overheat… ok. Bad thermostat. No matter, just replace that, which means putting the car back on the lift, up in the air, drain the coolant, unbolt the thermostat housing, get covered in coolant, wash myself of coolant, pop the new thermostat in place, call the mechanic who has long since gone home with a cold, wake him up ask if indeed the housing goes in the way I think it does, apologize for waking him, hang up, re-orientate the thermostat, bolt the housing back in place, reinstall the radiator hose, fill the empty coolant jugs with coolant, forget that one of the jugs is filling and spill coolant all over the floor when one jug overflows, fill the cooling system, fire the car up AND… still no heat. The diagnosis is that the car has a bubble in the system somewhere… great.

I of course left the car at the shop, got a ride home, and legged it back to the shop in the morning. I really just want to set my car on fire and walk away. Or better yet, win the lottery and get something that just runs, like a Porsche GT3RSR, nothing too flashy mind you. Maybe get something a little more subtle and basic for the commute -- like a Jag for instance.

Sadly, no lottery tickets have landed in my lap and no sugar mammas are throwing wads of cash at me for services rendered with a smile… so I will pulling the old Subaru apart here shortly. Good times indeed.