Driving Sports

This morning I received an email from an old boss of mine. He asked, “My son is turning 17. Should I get him a BMW 550i, M5, Audi S4 or…?”

Oy. Where do I start?

I think a little background on this character is in order, to set the mood. When I was 19, I started working for this guy. I handled all marketing and Internet (which was new at the time) operations for the small computer retail operation he and his wife had recently started. The crew was young, we worked ridiculous hours and eventually grew the company to be the envy of our region.

Like all movies there are good guys, bad guys and even a few plot twists. When the time came for the owner to make good on everyone’s efforts, it was a bit like the scene in “It’s a Wonderful Life,” when Mr. Potter (our competition was actually a Lebanese family) finally offered George Bailey (played by my boss) a cherry deal, giving Mr. Potter a monopoly in the process. Although in our version, unlike the Capra classic, our Bailey didn’t weave a brilliant monologue about the efforts of man and doing the right thing by those that put him where he was. No, he gave Mr. Potter a big hug, asked where to sign and grabbed the first boat to Bermuda. I exaggerate – but only slightly.

In retrospect, that should have been the end of this particular relationship, but it wasn’t. Blindly assuming we would still “build the next great enterprise” when our employment contracts expired, several of the core team toiled under the new owners (for decent money, but the work wasn’t particularly enjoyable.) As you probably guessed, our Mr. Bailey was not really interested in doing much of anything with anyone when the alarm clock sounded and we were free to pursue other ventures.

I’ve gone into all of this to give you an idea of the baggage behind the question at hand. There's a lot more involved in the real story of the little company, but that's not really the point I'm trying to make here. For our George Bailey, it's not just a question of what car; it’s arrogance and ignorance all rolled up into a nice little ball, (as well as a nice cautionary tale for employment contracts.)

So here we are, almost 10 years later, and he wants to buy his kid a car. Not just any car.  A car that is no doubt too fast for most adults, let alone an emotionally unbalanced teenager (a point I would make about any 17 year old, having been one myself.) He’s asking me for my advice, since I obviously review cars for a living. Though, knowing our Mr. Bailey, he isn’t quite so much asking me advice as he is sharing the information that he’s well heeled and wants to spend too much of his cash on his progeny.

One thing he may not realize, however, is that kids driving supercars is a touchy subject among most auto journalists. Even moreso when we know the parties involved and their predisposition is not really one of moderation, contemplation and understanding.

So here it goes…

I have some advice for Mr. Bailey: buy your son a gun. It’s cheaper up front and will ultimately have the same effect on him and those around him. I know I often use hyperbole, but in this regard I’m not joking. A shotgun would be about as effective as a teenager behind the wheel of a BMW M5. (Need an example? How about another example? Then there's this nugget.)

If our Mr. Bailey would like some real advice – which I doubt he does – it will be this: Buy your son any one of the cool little hatches now available on the market. Any of them: Anything from a used Nissan Versa to a shiny new Audi A3. They’re all good enough for a teenager and every single one of them is safer for him, as well as those around him.

How can one not read the stories of kids that have taken their own lives as well as the lives of their friends and still seriously think, “not my kid?” Well, Mr. Bailey, I have some cold news for you, your kid is not unlike many other teenagers that know it all and will do what they want when the folks aren't looking. I say this because I think every stupid teen should have the opportunity to mature into a smart adult. Even for your son, it's not too late.

There are some parents out there who mean well and want to buy the best for their kids. As a parent myself, I can relate. But buying a 500 hp sports car isn’t just putting your own child at risk, you’re also putting his friends and innocent bystanders at a seriously elevated state of unnecessary peril. A fact played out all to often in statistics and headlines.

If, heaven forbid, Mr. Bailey does buy his kid something like an Audi S4 it better come with a one-week driving course at Skip Barber to humble him before he takes the keys. If not, I’m staying far, far away from anywhere in the world the young Bailey is going to be on the road. If he crashes and kills only himself, I will not cry for the father that supplied the gun. If you son kills others in the process, well, you can only hope God has mercy on your soul.